The Right (and Left) Thing to Do

Posted: 03/12/2014 6:43:26 AM

I have a question; it’s been bothering me for a while now. Well actually, it’s been bothering me since about eight o'clock this morning when I was almost crushed by an SUV on my way to work. When did using a turn signal become optional in this country?

Remember the turn signal? That little stick on the left hand side of the steering wheel? I say “remember” because I'm guessing a lot of Canadians, they have no idea what that stick is or what it's used for.

If aliens came down from outer space and studied the way Canadians drive they would assume that using a turn signal was a voluntary exercise and that there were no actual firm guidelines surrounding its use.

Refresher: it’s to signal people, it tells people what you’re about to do before you do it. Which comes in handy at 110 kilometres an hour. And all of you people who use it to tell people what you have done? After you have done it? You are doing it wrong.

And to you, the guy in the intersection who decides at the last minute to turn left but decides that there is no reason in the world to tell anyone what you’re up to or why you’ve suddenly stopped on a green light. You sir are not only a bad driver, you're a bad person. How bad? Everyone around you hates you. But don’t worry, I can help you. There’s a simple solution.


It's as easy as lifting a finger. Literally. So this holiday season, save a life, lift a finger. So the rest of us don't have to show you ours.


Partisan Inferno

Posted: 26/11/2014 7:41:32 AM

Dante’s inferno. A very famous 14th-century epic poem describes Dante's descent into Hell. According to Dante, there are nine circles of suffering. And as one can imagine they get worse as you go on and on. Spoiler alert—the final circle is basically sitting in a room watching Canada Action Plan ads over and over again on a loop. 

By now everyone is familiar with these ads. You can't watch a hockey game or an episode of Steven and Chris in this country without a Canada Action Plan ad telling you to love your government because your government loves you. My favourite one is the one that tells us how much our government loves and cares for our veterans. I swear to you, if I have a stroke in the next 12 months it will be while I’m watching one of those commercials. 

Governments are not supposed to spend taxpayers' money on ads promoting their own party or their election platform. End of story. 

Now, I'm not saying this government is the first one to do it, far from it. But let’s give credit where credit is due. They have turned it into a fine art. They have spent over 620 million tax dollars on such advertising since they’ve been elected. Partisan advertising has become like doping in sports. Those who do it, defend it. But we all know it’s designed to give one party an unfair edge. And we all know it’s cheating.

Canada's Action Plan. The only thing honest is the title. Canada—I know what that means. And I know what action the government’s doing to us when they put those ads on TV. I would draw a picture, but that, you can't show in primetime. 


Ground Control to the Government of Canada

Posted: 19/11/2014 7:44:16 AM

Last week I was looking at my Facebook feed when my friend updated his status to read, “One hour ago humanity successfully landed a spacecraft on a slowly tumbling mountain of ice and rock—let’s celebrate.” It was a nice break from your classic updates such as “I'm eating pizza!” or “my cat is possessed.” Since then, like so many people, I’ve become obsessed with what a group of European science geeks have been up to in outer space. 

The numbers alone make my brain hurt. They landed a space craft on a comet that is half a billion kilometres away. It took ten years to get there and the comet is moving at 135,000 kilometres an hour.

For thousands of years people trembled in fear when a comet appeared in our sky and now, in 2014, we have visited one. What an astounding thing humanity has accomplished all in the name of pure science. And my God, how smart must the men and women be who pulled this thing off.

And how sad that here on Earth, or at least on our little part of it in Canada, pure science is no longer encouraged. We have a government that not only abolished the Office of the National Science Advisor, but they bragged about it. In Canada, the only time you hear about scientists now is when they’re being told to shut up or they're being shut down by a government who can't even begin to understand what the scientists are talking about. 

I don't know much about science but I know this: They didn't land a spaceship on a comet using anecdotal evidence and they didn't calibrate the rate of descent using focus groups. Canadians, we get excited about pure science. Canadians, we are as passionate and as curious as anyone else. It's our government that begs to differ.


348 More Days of This

Posted: 05/11/2014 7:27:18 AM

The Prime Minister was in Vaughan, Ontario this past week; the tie was gone, he was in his groovy relaxed mode, which personally I find to be his most unsettling personality. But he was there to make promises about income splitting. 

Afterwards, he invited the media to stick around and have some sandwiches and watch him do arts and crafts with children. Because you know Stephen Harper—nothing makes him happier than getting out the Crayolas and getting down on the ground with the little ones. When they spit up—that's his happy place.

This hot on the heels of Tom Mulcair and the NDP inviting the media along to see Tom up on the monkey bars with toddlers, while he made promises. Because you know Tom Mulcair, everything about that man screams, let's all get in the bouncy castle. Next week Justin Trudeau will appear at a daycare, also making promises and simultaneously juggling three infants and a puppy.

This is it Canada. As predicted in the prophecies, when the pale ones appear on the playgrounds, the election campaign has begun. And we are 12 months out. Canada has always been blessed with short election campaigns, historically five and six weeks max, which is a good thing.

The one thing that every election campaign since Confederation has in common is this: nothing of any substance gets accomplished during a campaign. Of course not, the leaders are too busy to lead. Sorry, no time to govern; I have to go get photographed feigning interest in a cow.

We are now looking down the barrel at twelve months of these three men, promising us the sun, the moon and the stars while wearing hard hats, cowboy hats, hair nets and stilettos. It's like a never-ending episode of ‘So You Think You Can Govern Canada’ except we can't change the channel because the country is on remote control. 


Open House

Posted: 29/10/2014 7:28:04 AM

When Canadians visit Ottawa—and all Canadians should at some point in their lives—without fail they’ll make it up to Parliament Hill. Which makes perfect sense; they are spectacularly beautiful buildings. They are my favourite buildings in the entire country.

I promise you, you make it up there an hour before sunset, when the golden light is dancing on the Peace Tower, it is a sight you will never forget. Even in the pouring rain, in the sleet or the snow, in the middle of winter, 30 below, they can still make your heart skip. Parliament Hill, as they say in the world of real estate, shows beautifully.

And when I'm talking to people about visiting Ottawa, I always say the same thing—take the tour. Because Canadians, being Canadians, sometimes they don't think about lining up and going inside. But there are tours almost every day. The hours vary, but they’re open pretty much all year round. And it’s been like that for over a hundred years.

And when you get inside, the walls are dripping in history. And the tour guides, all full time students, are so young, informed and well-spoken you can't help but think that this generation is the best and the brightest yet.

And unlike similar tours of similar buildings elsewhere in the world, the access is spectacular. The first time that I took a tour, I remember thinking—wow, we are walking around like we own the joint. And of course, we do.

It's our house. It's on a hill. And there's a tower. And it's named for the idea, the concept and notion of peace. And it’s open to all of us. Times change, but that never has, let's keep our heads and ensure that it never will.