Well, this past week was a big one for Canadian democracy, hey? Four federal by-elections in one day. Big stuff when you consider we're a country with a minority government. And the numbers, they tell quite the story. In fact, they tell multiple stories.

For the Conservatives, who picked up one seat, the numbers spelled victory. For the Liberals, who picked up three seats, the numbers spelled victory. And for the NDP, who picked up zero seats, somehow the numbers spelled victory. Apparently, the numbers told more stories than Stephen Harper has personalities.

But one number you didn't hear any of the national leaders talk about was 72. 72 as in 72 percent. As in 72 percent of eligible voters didn't vote. They stayed at home. Now personally, I don't believe that there's an excuse for not voting; but the numbers don't lie, and a 72 percent no-show, that's not just a case of voter apathy – that's a full-on allergic reaction. Basically, the numbers are telling us the average Canadian voter feels like some guy who can't eat eggs without being sick being told his choices are scrambled, fried or poached.

And so why aren't any of the national leaders talking about this problem? Well because it's their fault. They're the ones in the kitchen and 72 percent of the electorate, they just don't like what's on the menu. In fact, the only party that has any bragging rights at all after these by-elections is Elizabeth May's Green Party because they're the only party whose numbers went up. And what's more impressive is that people who actually voted for the Greens did so knowing full well that none of their candidates would actually win. But yet they still managed to get out of bed before five or six o'clock in the evening and vote - which for a lot of Green Party members, that's quite the accomplishment.

Now I'm not saying they're a full-on movement. But at least they're moving, which is more than I can say for the rest of them. And as far as I can tell, it looks like they're here to stay – which is a good thing because Stephen Harper, Stephane Dion, and Jack Layton are looking pretty stale and Elizabeth May is a welcome addition. Because as any chef will tell you, a little bit of vinegar brightens up the vegetables.

People who cover politics in this country, they know the name Ezra Levant. The rest of the country, they couldn't pick him out of a line-up. Which I always believed was a very good thing because, without a doubt, he is one of the most aggravating men on this earth. And I only say that because – in full disclosure – he happens to be a friend of mine. I've known him for over 10 years.

The last time I saw Ezra I was doing a show in Alberta. The audience, they were all conservationists, they were saving rivers. Ezra picked me up after the show for a beer. I walked out front, there was Ezra, leaning against his hummer smoking a cigar and, yes, the engine was running.

Which I'm sure he did purely for my benefit. The man is a provocateur, he is an agitator, and now thanks to the Alberta Human Rights Tribunal, god forbid, he's a freedom fighter because he has been defending his actions in front of that tribunal for the past two years. He has no idea when it's gonna end, he has no right to a speedy trial, he has to pay his own legal costs, his accusers do not.

So what is it that Ezra did? Well he published the Western Standard; which, in my opinion, is a completely nutty magazine. He once published a column by a stay-at-home mother of nine who offered witty tips from her pastor on how to avoid your children turning out gay. But to be fair to Ezra, every time I'd complain he'd say the same thing: "You should write your own column. I'll publish it next week. Word for word." If nothing else, Ezra believes in freedom of speech.

Which is why I knew, when half the world exploded because some newspaper in Denmark published cartoons of the prophet Mohammed, Ezra would republish those cartoons so we could see what all the fuss was about. Yes, it would offend people, but I knew he'd do it anyway. Because that's what Ezra does. But hey, it's a free country.

Well, it used to be. Since then, he's spent over a hundred thousand dollars defending his right to republish the cartoons. And his magazine – well, the irony there is they went out of business. The gods of the free market took care of that. Turns out, not that many people were interested in what the magazine had to say. So it's gone. But if we're not careful, if we force the Ezras in this country to shut up, our freedom of speech could be next.

Well what a great week in Ottawa, hey. And by "great" I mean "filled with scandal." There was a new one every day, most of them involving the Prime Minister. Jack Layton was on Lou Dobbs for god's sake! You don't see that every day.

But if I had to pick my favourite scandal it would have to be the Cadman affair. Did the Conservative party offer Chuck Cadman, a Member of Parliament who was dying, a million-dollar life insurance policy in exchange for his vote? Because that's what his widow says. But you don't have to take her word for it – Stephen Harper is on a tape saying yes, financial considerations were offered to a dying man. Well, if you buy the adage that where there's smoke there's fire, there's so much smoke coming out of this sucker, you can see it on Google Maps.

And so what's the Prime Minister say now? Forget my voice on the tape, the only thing we offered Chuck Cadman was a chance to join the Conservative Party. Stephen, no offense, but that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. Could you imagine if you were on your deathbed and a couple of Tories came over to your house to try to buy you off, and they offered you a membership in the Conservative Party? Because, apparently, a lot of people on their deathbed think, "I wish I spent more time with the Tories."

And so what's Harper's reaction once the opposition started asking questions? He's suing. He's suing the leader of the opposition. Never before in the history of Canadian democracy has a Prime Minister sued the leader of the opposition. But that's what Harper's doing. Suddenly he's like that guy on TV from upstate New York who will sue anyone anytime for anything. His coffee's too hot – he will sue. Ask him a question outside of Question Period – he will sue. A lawsuit by the way that's gonna cost taxpayers millions and millions of dollars. Our money being spent to ensure the Prime Minister won't answer any questions that should be answered.

Yes, it's been a crazy week and it could also be a tipping point. Because Stephen Harper has always had one ace in the hole: his reputation as a straight shooter. Well you can wave that goodbye; because when it comes to preserving reputations, Conrad Black had a better week.

My Fellow Conservatives,

As you have no doubt heard we are now fixing the criteria for tax credits for Canadian movies and TV shows. From now on we can simply deny the tax credits granted to TV and Film productions if we find them obscene or in any way personally offensive to our way of life. Make no mistake about it; this is a very large stick we now wield against the entertainment industry. If we deny them the tax credit after they have made their projects and spent their money they could face bankruptcy. I see the future my friends and it's starring Anne of Green Gables.

As our good friend Charles McVety stated on page one of the Globe and Mail recently, it is a victory that can be directly attributed to Charles and his organization the Canada Family Action Coalition. It is through their hard work and lobbying of the Justice Minister Vic Toews, the Minister of public safety Stockwell Day and numerous PMO officials we can now ensure that like-minded conservatives have the final say on what kind of TV shows and movies get made in Canada.

This is just the beginning. Other industries are next. If the Ontario auto sector wants any help from this government Cabinet will also have a final say on any new automobile designs. Environment Minister John Baird's assistant Pierre Poilievre will be our front man on that issue. He works hard, is well qualified and has the entire hot wheels collection going back to 1978. He also recently got his learner's permit so I think we are in good hands. He tells me he has some good ideas for the new Ford Mustang – something to do with lasers.

On the publishing front books will have to wait until we get a majority. But I think we all agree if the publishing industry gets any incentives from tax payers then it only makes sense that an elected representative decide what books get published. Like you I look forward to the day when a wise man like Jim Flaherty can decide what is suitable reading material for all Canadians. Take that Margaret Atwood. Time for some mystery novels I think!

For the time being though we are busy with cleaning up show business. But as the saying goes, let no good deed go unpunished. Now on top of running the country we have to watch all these god forsaken Canadian movies. Who knew there were so many? I certainly didn't.

Today we screened a new movie by someone called the Trailer Park Boys. Not only can we not grant these people a tax credit but we had no choice but to call the police and initiate an instant review of some channel called Showcase. Poor Stockwell had a seizure during the opening credits and began to hyperventilate into a brown paper bag.

My friends, bankrupting a company is not a decision I make lightly; luckily it is a company in Atlantic Canada so it is okay. But this Trailer Park business just reinforces my belief that the region is mired in a culture of defeat. As I said to Chuck Strahl our Minister of Indian Affairs, instead of glorifying drugs and violence they should simply make a nice show like the Forest Rangers. Chuck agreed offering the kind of insight that makes him one of my most trusted Ministers "You got that right boss, that Bubbles is no Indian Joe Two Rivers."

Luckily Helena Geurgis had a good idea that could save the production. "Why not add a talking car?" she said, "like Herbie the Love Bug." Helena loves Herbie. When she was sworn in as Parliamentary Secretary for Foreign affairs she proudly informed cabinet that she was up to the job and that in fact Herbie goes to Monte Carlo was her favourite movie of like all time.

We were about to pencil in the talking car note but as luck would have it John Baird is also a Love Bug aficionado and he reported that Herbie did not in fact speak in sentences but communicated by honking his horn, blinking his lights and slamming his hood up and down – a communication technique John admires greatly.

This horrified Stockwell day. Throwing his panic bag aside he shouted that we could not in good conscience give any tax credits to anything with a talking car; that such behavior in a Volkswagen clearly indicated that Herbie was possessed by Satan. He told us the only thing that would fix that Love bug was a run through a carwash of holy water. This lead Peter Mackay to inform us that when he was in university, a "love bug" meant that it hurt when you peed. McKay goes too far sometimes. He tortures Stockwell any chance he can get. Those two are always at it; if it's not arguing over how best to proceed in the Middle East it's who looks better in fatigues.

Anyway, we decided that the Trailer Park movie could be saved but only if all the scenes involving drugs, sex, guns and premarital sex were removed. It's going to be one hell of a short film. It comes in at two and a half minutes now. The only thing left are shots of Bubbles and his kittens. Like Bubbles I love kittens! I wish more people would make movies that are about kittens or puppies or rabbits. In fact the character I most relate to in the world cinema is Lenny in "Of Mice and Men." He loved his rabbit so much, he just didn't know his own strength. I can relate to that let me tell you. Every time I pick of one of the 64 kittens now using 24 Sussex as a litter box Laureen says "watch it Lenny.... remember what happened last time."

The next movie we had to watch was introduced by Justice Minister Vic Toews. He was livid. He reported that it was the latest sequel to the most successful film franchise in Quebec. In hushed and serious tones he told us that the movie was a lurid and violent tale about lesbian boys. He was very concerned that the gay agenda of the entertainment industry has moved past simply turning our sons gay and they are now concentrating on turning them into lesbians. It was quite a bombshell you can imagine. Lesbian boys? It boggles the mind what passes for entertainment in Quebec. You could have heard a pin drop – a silence only interrupted when Jason Kenney let out a long audible sigh and distinctly said to nobody in particular "I wish I were a lesbian". That boy has to stop thinking out loud. I sent him out of the room with a withering stare and a curt "shouldn't you be out "out reaching" to an ethnic voter? Is there not a Chinese man or a member of the Tamil community you could be bothering?"

Vic wanted an immediate vote on the movie without screening it. As he said, the title was all he needed to know that some tough justice was required to drive this Quebec company out of business tout de suite! (uh oh Vic's working on his French). Luckily Vic was shouted down by Gary Lunn who was sitting next to him. Gary jumped up on his chair stared straight up at Vic and said "I want to see the lesbians!" I am relieved to report that Vic was a bit confused and the movie was not about lesbian boys; it was just called Les Boys. It's not about lesbians at all but hockey players. This will get the tax credit but we must change the title and remove the swearing and the sex.

Next up was, can you believe it, yet another Trudeau biopic from the CBC entitled Trudeau: The Bi-Curious years. I always suspected the man was a bisexual, rumour has it he had sex with Barbara Streisand in the pool at 24. (note to self: have Dimitris call public works and have the pool drained and repainted). This got the tax credit and the CBC will no doubt air it seventeen times over the next six months. Oh well it's their funeral.

The pleasant surprise of the evening was a movie that was penned by our very own Government House Leader Peter Van Loan written under his pseudonym Debbie Vanderlear. It is a modern retelling of My Fair Lady about a handsome young man at university who mentors young girls in conservative ideology. The man (a cross between Brad Pitt and Barney Rubble) dreams of finding a girl and grooming her to become the Prime Minister of Canada. Unfortunately after numerous attempts he gives them all the creeps so he has to become Prime Minister himself. I told him they would get the tax credit as long as they cut the last part where he becomes Prime Minister. That's just too far fetched. My God it's not science fiction.

Other highlights of the meeting included killing a David Cronenberg movie, killing a Paul Gross movie and killing a Sarah Polley movie (they have all said bad things about me lately, the sooner they move on the better). Also we put the kibosh on some kids movie about carbon dating dinosaurs (too unbelievable).

Our next meeting of the Conservative film club is in one week. Until then, God Bless Canada and save the aisle seat for me!

Yours Truly,

Stephen Harper

Newspapers and newscasts love polls. Every single day we wake up, there's a brand new set of numbers telling us what the average Canadian thinks, how the average Canadian is going to vote. I find it very entertaining. One minute Harper's numbers are down, the next minute they're up. Same with Dion, one minute they're down, the next minute, well, they're usually down, but you get my point.

But they're not just entertaining. Believe it or not polls actually matter. Governments decide when they're going to have elections based on the polls. Public policy is dictated by polls, and sometimes Canadians decide how they're going to vote based on the polls. The problem is, it's very easy for the average Canadian to avoid being polled; because, while polling has not changed since the 1960s, the average Canadian certainly has.

For starters, these polling companies, they only call land lines. They don't call cell phones. So right off the bat, if you're under the age of 30, you don't get called. Your opinion doesn't count. And then of course a lot of Canadians, I'd go so far as to say the average Canadian, just doesn't like to pick up the phone if they don't know who's on the other line. That's why God invented call display. And keep in mind, most of these calls are all made in the evening between five and nine pm. So if you have a social life or small kids, or you do shift work, or you happen to like Jeopardy, your opinion doesn't count.

Now personally, I would love to be polled. I've been waiting for that phone call for 15 years - the phone has never rang. Now granted, I would spend the entire time lying and saying things like "I believe the Green Party is best suited to manage the economy" but at least I'd take the call. Everyone else I know, they'd just hang up.

So who are these people? Who's taking the calls? Who are these people that are affecting public policy? I have no idea, but I know this: when it comes to polling, the average Canadian is far from normal and well below average, give or take 3 percent, 19 times out of 20.

When 20-year-old Ellen Page from Halifax got an Academy Award nomination for best actress, we all cheered. When our hockey team won gold at the World Juniors, we all cheered. Now you don't have to be a movie fan or a hockey fan to be moved by this stuff. You just have to be a Canadian.

And likewise, you don't have to be a genius to be very proud of the fact that Canadian scientists won the Nobel Peace Prize. I mean this is the mother of all prizes. In fact, Mother Theresa got one.

So what happened this past week when these Canadian scientists came to Parliament Hill for a reception in their honour with their Nobel prize tucked up underneath their arms? The Prime Minister, the guy who's job it is to represent us at these things refused to attend. The Canadian cabinet refused to attend. And why? Because these scientists, who - I don't know if I've mentioned this or not - won the Nobel Peace Prize, had the gall to do it by formulating a plan to fight climate change. And my guess is it doesn't call for an increase in oil sands production. So as a result, not a single cabinet minister would cross the hall and shake their hands.

Now remember, this is the same government that just recently fired the national science advisor. A guy whose job it was to advise the Prime Minister and cabinet on all issues pertaining to science. Well they just didn't see the need for that guy. With this crowd being a science advisor is a bit like being the Maytag repairman. The phone just doesn't ring.

What I want to know is: how did we get here? Canadian scientists discovered insulin. We invented the Robertson screwdriver for God's sakes. And suddenly science is the new enemy.

I understand that in politics people and parties have enemies, and destroying your enemy is the name of the game. That's the way you win. But we cannot allow the government to declare war on knowledge, otherwise we all lose. Unless of course they start passing out Nobel Prizes for idiocy.

So here we are, it's Super Tuesday. The most important day in the U.S. primaries as both political parties try to figure out who they're gonna try to send to the White House. And I'm loving it; despite the fact that, in all honesty, I have no idea how it really works.

I know, it's democracy in action - but to me, it might as well be Chinese algebra. And yes, I admit, it bugs the hell out of me that the Americans have this system of choosing a leader that, according to CNN everyone understands and I just don't get. Personally, I'm much more comfortable just assuming they're the stunned ones.

But I do know this. From a show business perspective they've got us beat. For starters, they know how to spend the big money. Rudy Giuliani spent 50 million dollars getting his ass kicked just in the state of Florida. That's twice as much money as any Canadian party is going to spend in the next federal election.

And it's not just the big money that makes it exciting. They work these candidates like Torbay ponies. They're exhausted. Cripes, there's a national debate on CNN every three hours. Half the fun is flicking on Lou Dobbs every evening to see the bags under Hillary Clinton's eyes get bigger.

And speaking of Hillary, when it comes to casting, we can't touch them. Here we are, we think of ourselves as this progressive, diverse nation and yet there's big bad backwards America and who's running for the big job? A woman, a black man, a Libertarian, a Mormon with big hair, and some dude who was in a bamboo cage in Vietnam for five-and-a-half years. Meanwhile in Canada, we're gearing up for yet another race between a pudgy white guy and a skinny white guy and some other white guy. Which may go a long way to explain the other big difference between Canada and USA politics these days: in America in this race, young people are engaged. In Canada - they're choosing none of the above.

So the Manley Report came out this past week. Or as it's formally known, "The Independent Panel on Canada's Future Role in Afghanistan."

It's a scintillating read. Now I don't want to give away the ending but basically it says that Canada should stay the course. It also says that Canadians have no idea what that course actually means.

Which is why - for Stephen Harper - this is the feel good read of the year. Because believe me, even though it's his government's job to tell us why we're in Afghanistan and they haven't bothered to do that, he does not view this as a failure to communicate. He views this as a triumph of modern leadership.

In fact in the two years since they've formed the government, the words "Harper government" and "communicate" have never appeared in the same sentence without the word "won't" in the middle. Now granted, first goin' off, this was a bit of breath of fresh air coming off the Liberals where you couldn't turn on the TV without seeing some cabinet minister on there blathering on about whatever their department was up to.

But with Harper, the pendulum has swung the other way. He doesn't have cabinet ministers so much as he has chalk outlines on the sidewalk. And to be successful in Harper's Cabinet you have to abide by the three D's: don't see, don't hear, don't say. If Helen Keller were alive today, she could have any job she wanted. They promised accountability, they've delivered invisibility.

You could take a hundred bucks, you could stand on a any street corner in Canada, offer people five bucks if they can name three cabinet ministers off the top of their head - double their money if they can name the minister of health. At the end of the day you'd still have enough money for dinner and a movie. Which is exactly the way Stephen Harper likes it. As far as he's concerned, good government is out of sight and out of mind. And fine, that might make his life easier, but he's gotta remember, the conservatives were hired to run this country, not to hide from it. And these things, they come in threes: out of sight, out of mind, could mean out of office.