At this very moment, in an undisclosed location, the Tory brain trust is huddled in a room desperately trying to figure out a way to get the Conservative's polling numbers up. Oh to be a fly on the wall; a wall that is no doubt dripping in blood. For a while it was looking good for the brain trust. They delivered the biggest spending budget in Canadian history, they mailed hundreds of millions of dollars to Quebec and they placated the masses with some sort of rebate on the cost of enrolling your kid in hockey. Sure their base was alienated by a budget that refused regular working Canadians a personal income tax cut, but a decision was made that the base could suffer. In fact, in Canadian history, no government has so readily abandoned their base and with such confidence.

And for a shining moment the big spending seemed to pay off. The polls showed they were up, way up in fact, passing the magic number that would guarantee them a majority. The party machine geared up for an election and the troops were ready to go. And then in a stunning move the master chess player that is the Prime Minister, the man who admits he thinks about political strategy 24 hours a day, blinked. He looked at the big numbers and decided he had nowhere to go but up. Oops. Daddy made a boo boo.

Which brings us back to that increasingly desperate room that houses the brain trust.

No doubt it was there where the recent trip to Afghanistan came from. Sending the Prime Minister into a war zone was actually a very good idea. And thanks to Jim Flaherty's budget much safer than say a trip to Newfoundland, Nova Scotia, Saskatchewan or Bay Street.

It's bold ideas like this one that might give the Conservative's that much desired momentum, although it's my guess that nobody in the room has the balls to stand up and say "If we want Canadians to like us more maybe we should stop talking, and acting like pricks."

Because really it seems like they just can't help themselves.

Harper's deployment to Afghanistan is a perfect example. On paper this had all the signs of a solid slam dunk.

In fact, given the goodwill that the average Canadian feels towards soldiers on the ground in Afghanistan, it would take hard work on someone's part to screw it up.

And yet they did.

In an effort to prove this wasn't a glorified photo op members of the media were alerted in advance so they could take photos of it happening.

Now this in itself is hardly strange. When a Prime Minister, cabinet minister or the chief of defense staff head into a war zone journalists are often told in advance. Because it's a war zone they are properly sworn to secrecy. The Harper government upped the ante this time and reporters were not only sworn to secrecy but told that if they breathed a word about it they would and could be arrested and thrown in the clink.

This pretty much sums up the angry dad government. You are sitting at home; you get a phone call from someone asking you to go on a trip and if you tell anyone that you're going you'll be put in jail.

There is not a reporter alive on the hill who can remember ever being threatened with jail over a trip like this. Nor is there a reporter alive who can remember any legitimate news organization reporting the details of a trip like this in advance.

That fact is lost on the Harper government. And really what's the point of being in government if you can't threaten to put Mike Duffy in jail for shits and giggles. Despite the rocky start though, most of what occurred overseas seemed to work in the Prime Minister's favour. In a stunning move he actually took his Minister of Defense with him.

Early reports that he was accompanied by a corrugated cardboard cutout of the Defense Minister proved false. It's an easy mistake to make; these days on issues of national defense there is an almost imperceptible difference between the views of the cutout and the real deal.

And while the Minister did not speak or say anything on the ground rumour has it that, true to form, on the 14 hour flight he did manage to contradict himself seven times. When told to run to the galley and fetch Harper's press czar Sandra Buckler a snack the minister came back with a baffling explanation that according to reports went something like:

"Yes there are peanuts unless there are no peanuts so peanuts aside there are peanuts available; however, I never said there were peanuts I just can't figure out how to open the little cupboard marked peanuts or even confirm that such a cupboard exists."

A three hour foot rub ingratiated the Defense Minster back in Ms. Buckler's good graces and so for the time being she has no plans to shuffle him out of cabinet. She did threaten him with jail time when he didn't "get in between the toes like I said so soldier" and everyone agrees that this was the highlight of the plane ride.

I commend Harper for taking his Minister on the trip. It's part of the new "bring your Cabinet Minister to work" program he is testing. It's a great initiative that the PM decided to implement after he was criticized for keeping his ministers on a short leash. He interpreted that criticism to mean that he was being too easy on his Ministers so he immediately issued not only shorter leashes but ball gags for their mouths and electronic shock collars designed to curb barking in house pets. When activated these collars can sense any constriction of the vocal chords and an electric shock is immediately administered to the poor dog or cabinet minister who happens to be wearing it at the time. Worn properly it has proven to be a very good at convincing dogs to stop barking at doorbells and cabinet ministers to stop answering questions by reporters, fellow MPs, interested citizens or former supporters.

The collars have had mixed results however.

Some ministers like John Baird have taken to wearing the device in an unprescribed manner. As a result he seems to enjoy the sound of his own voice more than he did six months ago (if such a thing is possible). Insiders attribute this latent infatuation with his own dulcet tones to the pulsating shock which is administered to an unknown part of his nether regions whenever he starts barking.

As proof, one only had to watch the twitches of pleasure induced deep within him as he gleefully reported a government employee had been marched out of the department of the environment offices in handcuffs for the crime of leaking his climate change plan to someone who apparently cared.

The employee in question, of course, turns out to be a kid on a temporary contract tasked with monitoring the media for mentions of the minister's name. He was, to put it mildly, the lowest man on a very tall totem poll. Not only that, he is also a drummer in a band. What I want to know is what kind of person lets the drummer have access to a top secret plan in the first place? Has the minister not met a drummer?

Baird, rightly so, has no time for this type of so called "political action." Political action is no excuse for breaking the law. Although, Baird did use the same excuse when justifying being dragged away by police for disrupting the peace at Liberal MP Peter Milliken's nomination meeting a few years back.

Perhaps that's why Baird is so angry at this whippersnapper. Perhaps, when the minister closes his eyes at night he sees a little bit of himself in the young anarchist. And speaking of anarchists, the brain trust must deal with the fact that the hottest new read on parliament hill is the Conservative's own anarchist's guidebook on how to disrupt parliament. Another supposed secret document which was leaked to the National Post's Don Martin.

Martin, a resident of Ottawa who calls Alberta home is presently in the market for a good car as his is now the first name on Canada's new no-fly list.

The book, entitled "an idiots guide to causing havoc in parliament," is just that. Prepared by the PMO it instructs committee chairs on ways to make parliamentary committees hopelessly inefficient to the point they cease to function. The idea is that voters must be convinced that a minority government can't work. The plan is that the Conservative's intentionally sabotage the working of parliament and then blame the liberals and the NDP.

The idea that such a strategy exists is hardly surprising. The fact they put it in writing takes stupid to a whole new level.

On the upside the party doesn't seem the least bit upset that this document has been leaked. They are confident that Canadians are simply too stupid to understand the ramifications of a government intentionally causing chaos and deadlock.

So while it is too early to tell if Harper will get a bounce in the polls once the country has seen him stare through binoculars at an Afghani outpost, the hard work continues. Based on past performances I think it's a safe bet to say the Tory brain trust never sleeps. I'm also guessing they are low on blood sugar but that's purely speculation on my part. All I do know is that every possible scenario on how to ingratiate Harper into the hearts and minds of Canadians is being suggested in that room.

If only the walls could talk.

They can't of course; if they could they would have been arrested long ago.