For Stephen Harper, a good cabinet minister is like a well-behaved child from the fifties. They should be seen and not heard, minus the seen part. Which is why the first time most of us heard there was a woman named Gail Shea in cabinet was when another woman from New York decided to smack her in the face with a tofu pie.

You know being a member of Parliament is bad enough. It's not like the job comes with a lot of respect. Those days are long gone. Most people would rather see their kids go into a life of air conditioner repair than politics. But bottom line is we elect these people and when we do, we expect them to be accessible to the public. That's their job.

And if we don't like them there's plenty of ways to protest that are actually effective. Hell, so many people protested against Stephen Harper last week the man is in full-blown panic mode. He's out there as we speak running around saying all of a sudden his brand new legacy is going to be protecting women and children in the third world. Please, the man has been Prime Minister for four years, he's never uttered the words. All of a sudden he sounds like Bono.

But that's the way our system works. We can yell, we can scream, we can protest, we can throw the bums out – but no touching. Everyone in this country, with the exception of hockey players apparently, has the right to go to work and not get a smack in the face. Members of Parliament are no exception.

We elect them, they serve at our pleasure, and if someone assaults them it's an assault on all of us. So to the woman from New York, who decided to leave her country, come to our country to assault a member of our Parliament: Welcome to Canada. I hope you like prison food and you bought a one-way ticket.

There's no doubt about it; Canadians have been very generous in Haiti. People in this country have given an incredible amount of money. But once again it's members of the Canadian Forces that are doing the heavy lifting. Because really by the time most of us realize just how devastating this situation was, by the time most of us sat down at our laptops and made a donation, a thousand Canadian soldiers were already on their way to Haiti. And a thousand more show up this week.

Imagine if that was your job. Just drop everything and go to Hell on Earth and you have no idea when you're coming home to your family. Because I don't know what it's like where you work, but people at the CBC complain when the elevators are on the fritz. But that's soldiers for you. That's what they do. And that's why we admire them. And that is why soldiers make the perfect political prop. In the old days politicians loved to get their pictures taken with babies. These days, it's soldiers. Which is why this past July, 300 Canadian soldiers were given a mission. They were told to drop everything and show up at Canadian Forces base Gagetown, in uniform in front of the cameras and clap and cheer as the Minister of Defense announced that this government was finally buying them new armored vehicles which we know they so desperately need.

And so it was perfect timing this past week, when every headline was dominated by the humanitarian crisis in Haiti that the government let it slip out very quietly that the purchase of armored vehicles is now on "permanent hold" or what a civilian would call cancelled. Turns out it was just a photo op and perhaps a new low in Canadian politics. You know, it's one thing for the government to order soldiers to put their lives at risk for Canada. That's their job. But to drag them out and use them as a political prop, that's going too far. At least babies can scream or throw up on a politician. Soldiers, they don't get that option.

So how about those polls hey?

For the first time in a very long time the Liberals and the Tories are essentially tied, well at least they're within the margin of error. Now polls never tell the full story but this much is certain: whenever the party in power drops 15 points in 15 days, you can be assured of one thing -- someone in charge just did something really stupid.

In this case the Prime Minister figured he could suspend Parliament for three months and get away with it, because in his words Canadians just don't care. Boy was he wrong. Wow. He should get out more. Maybe go to a Tim Horton's. Get a feel for the place.

See this is what I love about Canada. Yes, we are apathetic. But the minute anyone tries to use our apathy against us suddenly we start to care big time. It's funny the Prime Minister doesn't get this. Instead he just keeps saying, "Oh, don't worry. Yes, I've suspended Parliament, but don't worry, I'm hard at work." You know what? Big deal, of course he's at work, he's the prime minister. I'm sure Raul Castro's gonna put in a full day tomorrow running Cuba, we just like to think that the bar is set a little bit higher up here.

Bottom line is Canadians got together, we elected 308 Members of Parliament to go to Ottawa and represent us and one Member of Parliament – Stephen Harper – sent them packing.

Prime Minister, with all due respect, I know it's your job to run the country, I'm glad you're hard at it. But it's the voters who get to send MPs home. And with poll numbers like this, you might want to keep that in mind.

So here it is, the holidays are over, and everyone is back to work. That is, unless of course you're a member of parliament. Because as we all know the Prime Minister has decided to suspend parliament so we can all focus on the Olympics. Which I think is very nice of him because I believe that Canadians will focus on the Olympics, once the Olympics actually happen. Which is over a month from now.

Right now, it is the middle of January and Canadians are focused on one thing and one thing only – Our credit card bills. If you don't believe me Prime Minister ask your chef or your driver. They will tell you. There I was this week looking at my Visa bill and I felt like the dude from The Da Vinci Code. Looking at the parchment, trying to decipher what exactly happened over the holidays. And then I wondered, what kind of interest rate are they charging me here. So I get out the magnifying glass, the really powerful one I have lying around in case I want to examine some protozoa. And I saw in the very fine print my interest rate is 20 percent. 20 percent. Do you know who else charges 20 percent interest to borrow money in this country? Loan sharks. Now I'm not advocating that anyone go to a loan shark. If you're gonna borrow money from the criminal element you might as well stick with one of Canada's five major banks.

But there is a serious problem when a guy named Larry the Fence offers a lower interest rate than Mastercard. Personally in 2010 my resolution is to avoid cards. All cards. At this point, I'm this close to getting a tattoo across my forehead that says no I don't have an Optimum card and no I don't collect Air Miles. All I want to do is buy some shampoo and not pay 20 percent interest. And focus on the Olympics.

There's a very good reason why the word prorogue doesn't come up that often in our society. Why would it? The word has absolutely no resonance with anyone in Canada because the notion that you can shut down anything for months at a time is a total fantasy. That's the thing about life; it's relentless. If you are an adult, and live in the real world, proroguing isn't on the agenda in much the same way levitating isn't. God knows I love the idea of proroguing. Everyone in Canada has lay in bed and prayed for the elusive snow day. The idea that while you slept the heavens opened up and dumped so much snow on the ground that the front door can't open and the school bus just can't come. We all remember snow days and that glorious feeling that the deadlines, the tests, the irritating people, the routine and the responsibilities could be avoided for one entire magnificent day with no consequences whatsoever. And if you didn't do your homework, or you were heading into what you knew was going to be a world of hurt, a snow day meant you dodged the bullet.

But snow days happen to children. If you are an adult it doesn't matter how much snow falls you still have to get to work and you still have to shovel the walk. Snow days don't apply to adults unless you happen to be the prime minister of Canada, who with one phone call has the ability to give every member of parliament two months off.

We elect these men and women to travel to Ottawa and represent us in the House of Commons. Well forget that notion. That is old fashioned and democratic. Welcome to Canada 2010 – we embark on a brand new decade as a country that has taxation without representation.

It is ironic that while our parliament has been suspended we are a nation at war. On New Year's Eve we greeted the news that five Canadians were killed in a single day with sadness but not surprise. We are at war because ostensibly we are helping bring democracy to Afghanistan. How the mission is progressing is open for debate but this much is certain – at present there is a parliament in Afghanistan that it is very much open for business. Canada has no such institution.

In Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai's government faces fierce opposition at every turn; many of his cabinet choices have been rejected in a secret ballot by the more than 200 parliamentarians that sit in the legislature. Simply closing parliament down and operating without their consent is not an option for Hamid Karzai; to do so would be blatantly undemocratic or at the very least downright Canadian. If Hamid Karzai suspended parliament on a whim we might be forced to ask why Canadians are dying to bring democracy to that country.

Stephen Harper doesn't have that problem. The Parliament of Canada has been suspended for no other reason than the prime minister simply can't be bothered with the relentless checks and balances that democracy affords us. He doesn't want to have to stand in the House of Commons and hear anyone question him on any subject. I don't blame him. Parliament is filled with jackals, opportunists and boors. The problem is, like it or not, they were elected.

I also don't blame the Prime Minister for wanting to keep his ministers out of the spotlight. This is a prime minister who could argue he is Canada's greenest PM simply because he's the only one who has gone out of his way to give potted plants key portfolios.

The problem is he is the one who appointed Cabinet and like it or not they are supposed to be accountable. A minister's job is not to hide in their riding; it is to be accountable in Ottawa – or at least that was the promise. This prime minister has gone from the promise of an open, accessible and accountable government to a government that is simply closed.

It is too bad that prorogation isn't something that our soldiers have in their arsenal. When faced with the order to head out on a foot patrol in the Panjwaii district of southern Afghanistan, to risk their lives to bring democracy to that place, wouldn't it be nice if they could simply prorogue and roll over and go back to sleep. Soldiers don't get that luxury. That is afforded only to the people who ultimately order them to walk down those dangerous dusty roads in the first place.

Every now and then an issue comes along that transcends politics; that transcends all socio-economic realities. And sometimes the truth needs to be said no matter how painful that truth may be to some people. This is one of those times and this is it.

Just because you are on an escalator, that does not mean you have to stop walking. Up or down, it is an escalator; it is not a ride at Canada's Wonderland.

It was designed to keep people moving faster. Which is why it's called an escalator not a slowthingsdown-alator. And if you must stop on an escalator because you've got bad knees or you're just a much calmer person then me, you have to stay to the right. The left lane is a passing lane. That means you can not put your shopping bag there. That also means your best friend can not park there and talk to you about why you really should have bought that blouse at value village.

And you wanna know why? Because when you do that, everyone behind you wants to kill you. And I only bring this up because I am a calm and rational person, but I swear to god if I ever end up in prison it will be because of something that happened on an escalator. Either that or near the front doors of a shopping mall or an airport.

Okay we all know that sometimes big buildings are overwhelming. That does not mean that you get to walk through the front door and just stop and look around for 3 minutes. If you need to get your bearings, the rules of the road apply here. You must pull over. Find a wall, you can spend all the time you want over there.

And while we're on the subject, if you get in an elevator before letting people off an elevator, that should be a criminal offense. With mandatory sentencing. Honestly I don't know why they don't teach this stuff in schools.

Look, we are heading into the holiday season people, there's gonna be big crowds, it's stressful enough. Peace and goodwill is the standard wish for the season; that's only gonna happen if everyone keeps moving.

It goes without saying that Members of Parliament have certain privileges that the rest of us do not, as they should. After all, these are honourable citizens who answered a higher calling to represent the needs and wants of their constituents and they would rather die than waste our money or disrespect the office. Or is it the other way around, I get confused.

Anyway, they've got special privileges. One of which is, they can send mail outs and fliers all over this country, and we get to pick up the tab. Which is great because luckily, one of the things that all Canadians agree on is we all love junk mail. In fact the only thing we like better than junk mail is really offensive junk mail that we paid for.

If the Tories send you a flier saying the Liberals are all anti-Jewish, you paid for that. If the Liberals send you a flier saying the Tories sent body bags to Northern Indian reservations to deal with the swine flu, you paid for that. If Olivia Chow sends you a flier saying, well, god knows what it says because let's face it, you threw it in the blue bin the minute it arrived, you paid for that. Now how this helps the democratic process I have no idea.

I ask you, how many more trees have to die so Stephen Harper can warn us once again that Michael Ignatieff taught at Harvard? Yes, we know, he taught at an American University, clearly he's a very bad man. But never mind the trees. Last year MPs from all political parties spent over ten million dollars on these mail outs. Ten million dollars a year! Hey everyone, I've got an idea. Let's save ourselves ten million dollars. Because, and not that anyone in Ottawa has mentioned this or even seems to care, but as of last week, our debt in Canada is now half a trillion dollars. The least they can do is stop adding to it by sending us garbage – in words and paper.

So the future King of Canada, Prince Charles and his wife Camilla have left our shores and have returned safely home to England. And sticking with that long held Canadian tradition of absolute politeness practiced at dinner parties all over this great land – the guests of honour have finally left; we can talk freely now. Well, thank God that's over with.

Why is it when the royals pop in for a visit we're expected to drop everything? And we do, the Prime Minister of Canada, the Governor General, all the TV Networks, everyone is supposed to be there in person when they show up. In fact the only people who didn't show up this time were the crowds.

This royal visit began in an empty stadium in St. John's, Newfoundland and went down hill from there. And believe me, if the royal family can't fill a stadium in Newfoundland, a place where some people still fly the Union Jack, there's a serious problem. The Tragically Hip can fill that room four nights in a row, and they charge admission.

I know what's going on here. Canada is the B circuit. It's just like when I was a kid and the World Wrestling Federation said they were coming to town. Did they send Macho Man Randy Savage? No, instead they send some drunk guy in tights named Gary. That's the way the royal family views Canada. Look at Prince Harry. There's a superstar. They sent Prince Harry to Lesotho, Africa for two and a half months? And what do we get? Eleven days with Camilla and a bill for a couple million bucks.

Look, Canada is 142 years old and we still pledge allegiance to a family that lives in a castle in England. No hard feelings, nothing personal – It's time we grew up.

Well there's no doubt about it, at this point in time it's clear, this country is under attack by a highly contagious virus. And I'm not talking about the swine flu here, we've got a vaccine for that. I'm talking about good old fashioned fear.

I've never seen anything like it. This past week we had thousands of people lining up outside of a clinic for five hours when they were told there was no vaccine inside. Do you know who lines up for five hours in the cold? 13-year-olds looking for Jonas Brothers tickets. Rational adults do not do that. And it's not even our fault.

Canadians are terrified. And in times of crisis we get our information from the media and the government. Which is ironic because we don't trust either one of them. And look at the media. Last week you turned on the news and every time the anchor was saying oh my God, there's an "outbreak" at a Toronto hospital. Outbreak, outbreak, outbreak! And then they happen to mention, "Oh by the way, 'outbreak' is a technical term. It means 3 people have the flu." No, no, no, no. We know what "outbreak" is. It's a Dustin Hoffman movie about a monkey that bites a dude and then his head explodes. In fact its two and half hours of a guy's head exploding.

So the media's not really helping us out on the whole panic front. And then, there's the government. Sure it would be nice if the government stepped up to the plate, but to be fair, they are very busy running advertising telling us what a great job they're doing on the whole shovels in the ground thing.

Apparently you can only advertise so many things at once. So it looks like we're on our own. But that's okay because Canadians can beat this thing. All we have to do is put our minds to it. Because unlike the flu, panic, it's all in our head.

Well it seems like yesterday the federal government was rolling out their economic stimulus program and now ten months later the shovels are at work - but they're not shoveling dirt.

Conservative ridings are getting way more money than anyone else. When asked about this, the Prime Minister simply shrugs and, with all the conviction in the world, he says, "It's just not true." He's like one of those people, who when confronted with all evidence to the contrary, will insist that the earth is flat or that John Baird is funny.

Now not all the Tories are so good. My favorite is Tony Clement. For the last ten months Tony has been driving around his riding wearing a giant gold hat just throwing our money out the window. And I love when he has to stand up and defend himself in the House of Commons because, and Tony should take this as a compliment, he's a terrible liar. Every time he answers a question he looks like a ten-year-old who just got caught stealing change out of mom's purse.

Now I'm not saying this is anything new. This was invented by Sir John A. MacDonald. It was practiced by Pearson. It was polished by Mulroney. It was perfected by Chretien. But Stephen Harper has turned it into an art form. He is the Yo Yo Ma of pork barrel politics.

And it's not just about pavement with this guy either. Consider this, as part of the Stimulus funding there's a 45 million dollar accessibility fund. This is money for disabled people. 92 percent of that money has gone to Conservative ridings. Boy, when he promised a transparent government he wasn't kidding – he's down right see through.

Yes, the Emperor has no clothes but he does have wheelchair ramps, and if you didn't vote right, you don't get one.

I cannot begin to tell you how confused I am about the swine flu. Every single day there are different reports and conflicting advice. All I know is, at this point I swear to God I'm 80 percent hand sanitizer. I walk past one of those Purell pumps and I ride that lever like a senior citizen at Casino Rama; I go to a bar and order Purell and Coke. Does it help? I have no idea. All I know is that the minute you're all cleaned up and disinfected, you get on the elevator and some dude comes along and coughs on your neck. That can't be good.

So if you're like me, you probably have some questions. You might have been tempted to go onto the Health Canada website to see what they're saying about the swine flu. This is my advice – don't go onto that website. Unless of course, you're doing research on how to bore, panic, and confuse people all at the same time.

The first thing you have to know about the federal government's swine flu website is they spelled "coughs" wrong. Six million dollars they spent -- they don't have spell check. They also say that everyone, without exception, should get the swine flu vaccine. Then they say, "Don't worry, we currently have a million vaccines stockpiled." That's great, except for the fact there are 35 million Canadians. So unless we're looking for the miracle of the loaves and fishes here, this means I have to strangle 35 people on the way to my clinic.

Although, who am I kidding? I live in a riding represented by the NDP – I won't see any vaccine. Meanwhile if you live in Jim Flaherty's riding you'll get three vaccines and a giant novelty cheque for five grand.

Now some people may say that I'm being a cynic. I'm not. I'm just being practical. So while the federal government is busy spreading confusion, it's our job to spread nothing. So all we can do is wash our hands, cough into our sleeves and for God's sakes, stay off the Internet.