My Fellow Conservatives,

As you have no doubt heard we are now fixing the criteria for tax credits for Canadian movies and TV shows. From now on we can simply deny the tax credits granted to TV and Film productions if we find them obscene or in any way personally offensive to our way of life. Make no mistake about it; this is a very large stick we now wield against the entertainment industry. If we deny them the tax credit after they have made their projects and spent their money they could face bankruptcy. I see the future my friends and it's starring Anne of Green Gables.

As our good friend Charles McVety stated on page one of the Globe and Mail recently, it is a victory that can be directly attributed to Charles and his organization the Canada Family Action Coalition. It is through their hard work and lobbying of the Justice Minister Vic Toews, the Minister of public safety Stockwell Day and numerous PMO officials we can now ensure that like-minded conservatives have the final say on what kind of TV shows and movies get made in Canada.

This is just the beginning. Other industries are next. If the Ontario auto sector wants any help from this government Cabinet will also have a final say on any new automobile designs. Environment Minister John Baird's assistant Pierre Poilievre will be our front man on that issue. He works hard, is well qualified and has the entire hot wheels collection going back to 1978. He also recently got his learner's permit so I think we are in good hands. He tells me he has some good ideas for the new Ford Mustang – something to do with lasers.

On the publishing front books will have to wait until we get a majority. But I think we all agree if the publishing industry gets any incentives from tax payers then it only makes sense that an elected representative decide what books get published. Like you I look forward to the day when a wise man like Jim Flaherty can decide what is suitable reading material for all Canadians. Take that Margaret Atwood. Time for some mystery novels I think!

For the time being though we are busy with cleaning up show business. But as the saying goes, let no good deed go unpunished. Now on top of running the country we have to watch all these god forsaken Canadian movies. Who knew there were so many? I certainly didn't.

Today we screened a new movie by someone called the Trailer Park Boys. Not only can we not grant these people a tax credit but we had no choice but to call the police and initiate an instant review of some channel called Showcase. Poor Stockwell had a seizure during the opening credits and began to hyperventilate into a brown paper bag.

My friends, bankrupting a company is not a decision I make lightly; luckily it is a company in Atlantic Canada so it is okay. But this Trailer Park business just reinforces my belief that the region is mired in a culture of defeat. As I said to Chuck Strahl our Minister of Indian Affairs, instead of glorifying drugs and violence they should simply make a nice show like the Forest Rangers. Chuck agreed offering the kind of insight that makes him one of my most trusted Ministers "You got that right boss, that Bubbles is no Indian Joe Two Rivers."

Luckily Helena Geurgis had a good idea that could save the production. "Why not add a talking car?" she said, "like Herbie the Love Bug." Helena loves Herbie. When she was sworn in as Parliamentary Secretary for Foreign affairs she proudly informed cabinet that she was up to the job and that in fact Herbie goes to Monte Carlo was her favourite movie of like all time.

We were about to pencil in the talking car note but as luck would have it John Baird is also a Love Bug aficionado and he reported that Herbie did not in fact speak in sentences but communicated by honking his horn, blinking his lights and slamming his hood up and down – a communication technique John admires greatly.

This horrified Stockwell day. Throwing his panic bag aside he shouted that we could not in good conscience give any tax credits to anything with a talking car; that such behavior in a Volkswagen clearly indicated that Herbie was possessed by Satan. He told us the only thing that would fix that Love bug was a run through a carwash of holy water. This lead Peter Mackay to inform us that when he was in university, a "love bug" meant that it hurt when you peed. McKay goes too far sometimes. He tortures Stockwell any chance he can get. Those two are always at it; if it's not arguing over how best to proceed in the Middle East it's who looks better in fatigues.

Anyway, we decided that the Trailer Park movie could be saved but only if all the scenes involving drugs, sex, guns and premarital sex were removed. It's going to be one hell of a short film. It comes in at two and a half minutes now. The only thing left are shots of Bubbles and his kittens. Like Bubbles I love kittens! I wish more people would make movies that are about kittens or puppies or rabbits. In fact the character I most relate to in the world cinema is Lenny in "Of Mice and Men." He loved his rabbit so much, he just didn't know his own strength. I can relate to that let me tell you. Every time I pick of one of the 64 kittens now using 24 Sussex as a litter box Laureen says "watch it Lenny.... remember what happened last time."

The next movie we had to watch was introduced by Justice Minister Vic Toews. He was livid. He reported that it was the latest sequel to the most successful film franchise in Quebec. In hushed and serious tones he told us that the movie was a lurid and violent tale about lesbian boys. He was very concerned that the gay agenda of the entertainment industry has moved past simply turning our sons gay and they are now concentrating on turning them into lesbians. It was quite a bombshell you can imagine. Lesbian boys? It boggles the mind what passes for entertainment in Quebec. You could have heard a pin drop – a silence only interrupted when Jason Kenney let out a long audible sigh and distinctly said to nobody in particular "I wish I were a lesbian". That boy has to stop thinking out loud. I sent him out of the room with a withering stare and a curt "shouldn't you be out "out reaching" to an ethnic voter? Is there not a Chinese man or a member of the Tamil community you could be bothering?"

Vic wanted an immediate vote on the movie without screening it. As he said, the title was all he needed to know that some tough justice was required to drive this Quebec company out of business tout de suite! (uh oh Vic's working on his French). Luckily Vic was shouted down by Gary Lunn who was sitting next to him. Gary jumped up on his chair stared straight up at Vic and said "I want to see the lesbians!" I am relieved to report that Vic was a bit confused and the movie was not about lesbian boys; it was just called Les Boys. It's not about lesbians at all but hockey players. This will get the tax credit but we must change the title and remove the swearing and the sex.

Next up was, can you believe it, yet another Trudeau biopic from the CBC entitled Trudeau: The Bi-Curious years. I always suspected the man was a bisexual, rumour has it he had sex with Barbara Streisand in the pool at 24. (note to self: have Dimitris call public works and have the pool drained and repainted). This got the tax credit and the CBC will no doubt air it seventeen times over the next six months. Oh well it's their funeral.

The pleasant surprise of the evening was a movie that was penned by our very own Government House Leader Peter Van Loan written under his pseudonym Debbie Vanderlear. It is a modern retelling of My Fair Lady about a handsome young man at university who mentors young girls in conservative ideology. The man (a cross between Brad Pitt and Barney Rubble) dreams of finding a girl and grooming her to become the Prime Minister of Canada. Unfortunately after numerous attempts he gives them all the creeps so he has to become Prime Minister himself. I told him they would get the tax credit as long as they cut the last part where he becomes Prime Minister. That's just too far fetched. My God it's not science fiction.

Other highlights of the meeting included killing a David Cronenberg movie, killing a Paul Gross movie and killing a Sarah Polley movie (they have all said bad things about me lately, the sooner they move on the better). Also we put the kibosh on some kids movie about carbon dating dinosaurs (too unbelievable).

Our next meeting of the Conservative film club is in one week. Until then, God Bless Canada and save the aisle seat for me!

Yours Truly,

Stephen Harper