Not long after Stephen Harper took office as Canada's 28th Prime Minister an infant polar bear was born in a Berlin Zoo. Known as Knut, this cub was summarily rejected by his mother and so was nursed by human beings. Now two years later animal psychologists admit that he has become so addicted to human laughter and applause that the instant those things disappear he becomes desolate and cries for attention. This has lead to irrational behaviour never seen before in a polar bear. Experts fear that without constant applause Knut the polar bear could simply lose the will to live.

Enter Stephen Harper.

During our current crisis, Conservative staffers are being ordered to stand outside 24 Sussex Drive starting at 6:15 in the morning. Their job is to stand there in dark, in temperatures well below zero. Their instructions are to applaud, wave and sing Oh Canada loudly as Stephen Harper's motorcade pulls out of the gates and drives him to work. Harper, by all accounts, actually believes that the young people are there on their own accord and represent a ground swell of love and support for his actions. It's easier this way. Nobody wants to suffer at the hands of the inconsolable bear.

Enter Stephane Dion.

Stephane Dion is a humiliated and beaten man. Nothing prepared him for the thrashing he took in the last election, and the subsequent rejection by his own party just made matters worse. The applause and cheering stopped for this man a long time ago. Given the chance to exact revenge he will seize it at any cost.

And so is it any surprise that these damaged men are the architects of a crisis in Canada the likes of which we have never seen?

With leaders like this we shouldn't be blamed for asking why bother.

But I do know this. If this parliament was a dog it would be brought out behind the shed and shot. Rabid dogs aren't reformed, given second chances or trusted ever again.

At first this little crisis of ours in Ottawa was nothing but good old fashioned fun. For political junkies it was simply blood sport and made for great entertainment.

It began of course with the economic statement, a colossal misstep for Prime Minister Harper. The nastiness and partisanship caught everyone off guard – including the Conservative cabinet that once again were kept in the dark. Sane cabinet ministers were forced to grin and bear it as the leader revealed a strategy that not only highlighted the very worst elements of his personality, but reinforced the nagging cliché that this Conservative party cares more about inflicting pain on those they dislike then offering support for anyone in need.

For most casual observers it seemed like a game of hardball Stephen Harper would easily win. The opposition under Stephane Dion is, without a doubt, the weakest official opposition that Canada has ever seen. The leader is on his way out, the party is broke, and discipline is non-existent.

But then a funny thing happened on the way to the vote in the House of Commons.

Stephane Dion may lack the basic skills needed by all political leaders but he seems to have a grasp on basic math, something Stephen Harper, the economist, seems to have lost.

Dion crunched the numbers and quickly realized that if his party, along with the other two parties in the house, opposed Harper the government would fall – in theory Dion could even become Prime Minister.

The only problem with that scenario was that no Liberal leader would ever consider such a gambit because it would mean getting in bed with both separatist and socialist forces in the House of Commons.

The difference this time around is that those forces didn't spend the last two years destroying this Liberal leader's personal reputation. That was Stephen Harper's doing. A coalition could ruin Stephen Harper and that's the only motivation Stephane Dion needs.

This is personal.

Stephen Harper loves being the Prime Minster of Canada. Under Harper the motorcades have gotten longer, the office more presidential, the trappings more grand. The idea that within a week he could be standing in line at the airport with regular Canadians, photo ID at the ready, attempting to board an Air Canada jazz flight to Moncton so he can explain to party faithful why he now travels in a Jiffy Taxi gnaws at his very being.

Knut the polar bear could not survive such a humiliation and nor can Stephen Harper. So Stephen Harper tore up his economic update; he blinked and backtracked – behaviour not before seen in this political animal.

And this is where it should have ended; a substantial and unexpected victory for a lame duck Liberal leader and a humiliating lesson to the Prime Minister. A nice little reminder to all involved that nobody was granted a majority in this parliament, and we expect everyone to get along. Tragically, Dion wasn't strong enough to put on the brakes. Or more likely he was unwilling. It's not enough to see Harper humiliated he wants to see him out of a job.

And so we now face the notion that within a matter of days or weeks a Liberal NDP Bloc coalition led by Stephane Dion could form a new government of Canada. Stephen Harper will have no choice but to quickly rebrand the Conservatives as Canada's New Opposition.

In theory a coalition could work. If aliens from outer space landed and were running roughshod over the country perhaps a Liberal, a socialist and a separatist could put their differences aside and work together to defeat the alien overlords. A global economic crisis, however, is probably not enough for these three wildly divergent visions of Canada to gel.

This is many things. It is unimaginable, it is a little embarrassing and, it makes our parliamentary system look like a laughing stock.

However it is not, as Stephen Harper insists, undemocratic, illegal or un-Canadian.

The facts here are very clear. Stephen Harper has a minority of seats in the House of Commons – something he has never accepted.

He is required to allow for a vote on his economic update. To win he needs fifty percent plus one, and he doesn't have it. If he loses he must ask the Governor General to dissolve the House. And if she feels a coalition can govern with a majority of support in the House of Commons then she is required to ask them to do it.

Them's the rules and Harper knows it. And so his only strategy is to launch a full-fledged attack on the very institution he is sworn to protect.

Harper has taken to the airwaves saying that if he loses a confidence vote in the House of Commons it is a coup d'etat, comparing it to the hostile takeover of a legitimate majority rule government by a military dictator.

And so our Prime Minister is suggesting that the Governor General must not listen to constitutional advisors but to him and him alone. The Prime Minister's office, those same people who unbeknownst to him ensure there are people waving to the PM wherever he goes, is organizing a protest which will occur at the residence of the Governor General of Canada. In Stephen Harper's world it should not be 700 years of parliamentary tradition that determines the future but him and him alone. Incredible hubris for a man who received less than 38 percent of the popular vote in the last election. One imagines the Queen will not be amused. In a perfect world she would just knock their two heads together and call it a day.

This could be the beginning of the Republic of Canada. A nation where Stephen Harper and not the monarch is the head of state. A Harper republic will differ from others in the world, however, as he ostensibly will have majority powers without having that old fashioned 50 percent support in either the country or the House of Commons.

This is a perfect storm. Our system works on the assumption that regardless of whether we have a minority government or not we will always be guaranteed that there will be a clear and decisive majority of rational men and women who will in times of crisis put nation over personal or party interests. It operates on the assumption that our leaders will put country before party.

Somehow we lucked out here. Our bad.

And so as we come down to the wire, and both leaders are digging in, we can only hope that this unprecedented bizarre week gets just a little stranger.

Because in a week where every day we have seen things never before predicted there is a simple solution.

We need one more historic press conference attended by two political enemies. A joint press conference between Stephen Harper and Stephane Dion.

A historic event where they both apologise to their country and their parties, in that order, and then they resign immediately – no questions please.

Because quite frankly they deserve one another and Canada deserves better.

Okay we just might as well admit it and get it over with. Stephen Harper is a genius.

Here we are faced with a global economic crisis. Nations all over the world are struggling to figure out how to protect their citizens -- who are terrified. We've seen unheard of cooperation between political rivals all over the industrialized world.

But not in Canada. Not with Stephen Harper. Not on his watch. No my friends, he has one goal and one goal only and it has nothing to do with governing: how can he use this crisis to destroy the opposition?

And wouldn't you know, he almost did it.

Stephen Harper decided Canada doesn't need a stimulus package; all we needed to do was cancel the subsidy that political parties get.

Which would have saved the government about $26-million. That's about the same amount Harper spends on bodyguards every year when he visits danger zones like Thunder Bay or Nunavut.

But the real upside for Harper, of course, is that the entire opposition would have been crippled or destroyed. It gives me great faith to know that as our economy crumbles Harper is on the case trying to come up with new an innovative ways to cutback the Green Party's office budget and bankrupt the Liberals. And then the world will be a better place.

Maybe he has a point. Maybe that's why Canada keeps refusing to give the man a majority. It's not because he's a mean little man obsessed with revenge, but because we just have too many choices. We go to the voting booth and get confused. Like that first trip to Baskin Robbins.

Maybe we'd all just be better off if Conservative was the only flavour on the menu.

Well we almost found out. Because if Stephen Harper got his way on this, democracy would have changed forever. And not a single citizen will have gotten to vote on the matter.

I'm one of those Canadians that likes winter. Sure I think it lasts too long, but still I like to see it coming. So when we had the first snowfall here in Toronto I went for a walk.

And with the snowflakes gently falling against the street lights I wandered around the city for about half and hour and I enjoyed the sights and sounds of 13 fender benders in nine languages.

Yes, it was a winter wonderland interrupted only when some guy in an Audi locked up his brakes and slid head first into a telephone pole about three feet from my legs. Then he jumps out and says, "Don't move, I might need a witness."

And I'm thinking what's he need a witness for? What's he gonna do, say it wasn't his fault? Did the pole jump out in front of his car? And then when I asked him later, did he have snow tires on, he looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "I don't need snow tires, I've got all-season radials."

This is what I want to know: how can a guy be smart enough to have a job that lets him drive a 59 thousand dollar car and yet be stupid enough to say he doesn't need snow tires when he's standing next to his Audi that's wrapped around a pole?

This is Canada. There's no such thing as all-season tires just like there's no such thing as all-season footwear. There is in southern California. They're called flip-flops. You wear them in all seasons up here you'd end up with no feet.

The first sign of flurries in Toronto, the entire place becomes a bumper car track. No exaggeration, the provincial police said there were 900 fender benders in Toronto in the first five centimetres of snow. This is a crisis Ontario.

There's no shame in being a have not province. Being a can't drive province... that's just embarrassing. Driving in the snow is like sex. If you want to avoid accidents abstinence is the best policy; but if you're gonna take a spin, use protection.

So the Liberal Leadership race is well underway and by the looks of it it will be a clash of the titans. Michael Ignatieff vs. Bob Rae - the wild card being that young fella Dominic Leblanc. Now this is a leaner meaner race, and both front runners are in a far better position than they were in 2006.

Back then the Tories ran a vicious stealth campaign against Bob Rae accusing him of being in power during a recession. Well, now the Tories have their own recession and their own deficits to deal with.

Back then they accused Ignatieff of being an outsider. This time around the man has a Canadian driver's license. And he knows the difference between the Calgary stampede and Blue Rodeo. That's gotta help.

But the big news for the cash strapped Liberal party is this time around both Bob Rae and Michael Ignatieff are in their 60s. Which means if they campaign by train they're now eligible for the Via Rail seniors discount. Dominic Leblanc won't be able to do that for another 20 years.

Which reminds me... who the hell is Dominic Leblanc anyway? All I really know about the guy is that he's got more experience in the House of Commons than Bob Rae and Michael Ignatieff combined and the Tories want him to win because he has a French last name and a horrible secret: he studied law at Harvard. According to the conservatives, that's a huge character flaw. Yes, apparently we're now a nation that lies awake at night terrified that our children might want to go to a really good university.

Oh and the other thing about Dominic Leblanc, like Bob Rae and Michael Ignatieff, he's a very good speaker in not one, but two official languages. So no matter who wins - the Tories are in for a few sleepless nights as well.

Well thank God, hey, that Stephen Harper finally stopped the speculation and named a new cabinet. And my goodness, the tough decisions he had to make. I mean there he was, elected in the middle of an unprecedented global economic meltdown, with the promise that he would never increase spending, with the promise that he would never bring us into deficit and what's the very first thing he does? Increase his cabinet by six members.

Stephen Harper now has 38 Cabinet Ministers. In 1993 Chrétien had 23 Cabinet ministers. See, this is why Canadians hate politicians. I mean in light of what is going on in the world right now, there is not a Canadian out there who runs a business, a charity or a household who didn't sit down this month and say, "you know what, I've got to figure out how to cut costs." And then they did. Except for Stephen Harper who said 6 new Tories get a 75,000 dollar a year raise plus limos.

Hey Steven, here's an idea: if you really wanted to make room in cabinet for new people, why didn't you just fire all the old cabinet ministers who were lousy at their jobs? And believe me there's plenty of them. Remember folks, this is the government where when Canadians started dropping dead from eating sandwiches the Minister of Health was unavailable for comment – for five weeks. But don't worry. He got a big promotion.

So who got demoted? I love this. Jim Prentice. Why Jim Prentice? Well because Jim is the guy that all the Tories secretly talk about replacing Stephen Harper some day; because everyone knows Jim is the smartest guy in caucus, and plus people like him. So what did Stephen Harper give to him? Minister of the Environment. Which believe me, with his crowd, in this government, that's the minister of your-career-is-now-dead.

So here we are folks... we elected a man who promised that he would put a firm hand on the tiller. And he certainly has. Except the ship just got fatter and dumber.

In these uncertain economic times, it's nice to know that some things do not change. The leaves turn. The snow falls. And then, then there's a Liberal leadership convention.

Now the smart money says this will be an epic battle between Michael Ignatieff and Bob Rae. Some sort of unavoidable, pre-ordained fight to the death that was first prophesied in ancient scripture. And if the entire party is destroyed in the process, well then so be it. Which is why a lot of Liberals out there are once again looking for that long shot candidate that can sneak up the middle and stop them all from being annihilated.

Justin Trudeau. Will he run? I have no idea. But I know this: mere mortals such as you or I cannot believe the pressure he is under to run. A lot of Liberals out there, they see Justin Trudeau... they go mushy in the head. And when you tell them that he has no experience in politics, they say it doesn't matter -- he grew up around it. Now this, this I understand. My father worked for the department of fisheries and oceans for 20 years and I cannot tell you how many times complete strangers have suggested that I be the man in charge of turbot fish quotas.

And then of course there's Gerard Kennedy. Hi! Remember me? I'm the guy who gave you Dion. Now for the Liberals to go with Kennedy at this point, that's a bit like necking with the guy at the office Christmas party that gave you the cold sore -- twice. But hey, stranger things have happened.

And then of course, there's the dream of the white knight. Will a Frank McKenna just show up out of the blue and save the party? Now this is interesting because usually in most countries when they're talking about dream candidates they throw around adjectives like brilliant, charismatic, dynamic. Whereas in Canada only one adjective counts - bilingual. Yeah, Barack Obama wouldn't cut it up here.

But for any Liberals out there who can't make up your mind, don't worry. At the rate your party is going -- three leadership conventions in five years -- eventually everyone's gonna get a turn.

The week or so after a federal election is a period of reflection for political parties. As we speak, the Conservatives might be saying "wow I guess we just didn't give enough to Quebec – maybe we should give them more." And the NDP might be saying "yes we did it! We came in last, again, for the 16th time in a row. Well done people." And for the Liberals? Well, how do I put this nicely... let's just say it's pretty clear at this point that nobody will ever make a movie of the week about Stephane Dion. Not even a fully funded CBC.

Now of course, in politics, people lose all the time. But it always comes as a huge shock to the Liberals because they like to believe they are the natural governing party of Canada – a phrase that harkens back to 1896, and things in that party have not changed since.

Look at the way they choose a leader. Members of the Liberal party don't actually get to vote for the leader. Oh no, no, no. That would be madness. Instead, they choose a delegate. And when they choose their delegate, they hoist them up on their shoulders and they march them down to the train station and then send them off to Montreal somewhere. And then three days later some guy named Gerard Kennedy makes a back room deal and then suddenly, the guy in third place who can't communicate becomes the leader. Then there's an election. Then they lose.

Here's an idea. From now on in, how about members of the party actually get to vote for the leader? And instead of one of these old fashioned multi-million dollar conventions, do it on the Internet. Hell you can do your banking on the there, you can buy a kidney on there, surely to god you can figure out a way to vote for the leader of a political party on there.

The point is if the Liberal Party ever wants to be relevant ever again it's time for them to rebuild that party from the ground up. Which is a nice way of saying it's time to break out the Bic lighter and the gasoline. And the beauty of it is, the time is now, because no matter what changes they make, they can't screw it up any more than it is.

At the risk of sounding like an out of touch elite weirdo, I admit I have on occasion walked into a theatre, bought a ticket, sat down and watched a play. And my favorite moment is when the lights go dark and the audience goes quiet. Because at that moment anything is possible.

And that's the way I feel about elections. Right now the House of Commons is an empty stage. And I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, this time, this parliament, will get it right, and be brilliant.

Now I've never seen that happen in my lifetime. The difference being of course that in the theatre the people on stage are actually trying, and there's nowhere to hide. Whereas in the House of Commons, the irony is, other than the few people sitting in the gallery, nobody can see what the MPs are doing. And believe me, they're out of control.

I get embarrassed watching question period live and I've been naked on national television. Imagine going in to your office or your workplace tomorrow and the minute you see anyone you don't like, you just start yelling and screaming like a lunatic. You'd be fired. And there's a reason. Because when people act like that, nothing gets done at work. It's not acceptable in any Canadian workplace. Why is it acceptable on Parliament Hill?

And there's a solution. Cameras. Cameras in the House of Commons. Not just on the people who are supposed to be talking, but on everyone else. And I know, the MPs would say, "Cameras, that's terrible. You're treating us like criminals or children." Yes, yes we are. But hell I go into the subway I'm on a camera. Welcome to 2008 folks.

This way when an MP decides to intentionally disrupt parliament by acting like an idiot the entire country can see them do it. And then maybe, just maybe the bad acting will disappear and we'll finally get a show that makes us proud.

So here we are, the final stretch before the big vote and all the political parties are busy courting every special interest group in the country, no matter how small. If you've got one leg, two kids, you work on a farm, the parties, they have a pitch for you.

Unless of course you happen to be a student, in which case you're completely off the radar – not a peep from any of the leaders. Education wasn't even mentioned in the debate. Now I'm not saying that any politician would ever come out and say they don't care about the student vote. When they're pushed they can all talk about educational reform and crushing debt until the cows come home; but at the ten minute mark they all do the same thing. They stop, they lean in like they're telling you some sort of secret and they say, "you know, it's a real shame. But students in this country, they just don't vote." Which believe me is code for "we don't care about students. We never have, we never will."

Now this is a perfect example of where young people can learn from their elders. And by elders I mean the elderly. As in senior citizens. Because believe me, those folks, they vote. Which is why the old age home is the natural habitat for any campaigning politician. No exaggeration, in the 30 days since this campaign began John Baird has spent 26 of them in an old age home. Okay slight exaggeration.

Now I'm not saying that students themselves aren't important to politicians. Oh they are. After all you're the ones that deliver the lawn signs. But past that you could be on fire for all they care. So my advice to university students: never mind your civic responsibility, seeing as you're such a low priority in this country, you should show up and vote out of spite if for no other reason.

And believe me, there are a million students in this country. You show up and vote, elections they'll never be the same again. Education will never be left off the agenda.

And for all of you students out there who are living away from home for the first time, ignore all those Elections Canada ads that make it seem like you need quantum physics to vote. In this country you do not need to be registered in advance to vote. Men died on the beaches so you could vote. All you need to do is to show up with some official looking mail with your address on it, your student card and your ID. Don't take no for an answer and democracy is yours.

And not your fake ID either, your real one.

So here we are, halfway through the campaign, the day of the English language leaders' debate. I know, like me, you can barely sleep.

Think about it. Five individuals sittin' around a table. They're gonna be hot, they're going to be grumpy, they're gonna be sitting next to people they don't even like. Throw in a turkey it might as well be thanksgiving. Personally, I'm hoping for tears.

And the drama's already there, starting with the Prime Minister. Harper is now in majority territory, so he doesn't want to be anywhere near a debate. Don't forget, he already threatened to boycott this debate once if Elizabeth May was allowed in. Boy, did that backfire. Yes kids that man who's constantly saying he's the only one strong enough and firm enough to be a world leader, he is in fact afraid of the girl.

And not only does he have to deal with the girl, Jack Layton and a desperate separatist - for the first time since this campaign began he has to come face to face with Stephane Dion. And I know, on the surface that does not seem like a big deal but remember back to high school folks. Remember when the nerdy kid finally had enough of being slapped around by the bully and he said okay, I'll meet you at the lockers. Everyone showed up for that fight.

Because this, this is not a normal political rivalry, this is personal. Never mind that the Tories have spent millions of dollars calling Dion a pathetic loser; lately they've been going after his wife.

And don't forget on day one of this campaign Harper wouldn't even admit that Dion had a real family. People with adopted children are very touchy about that sort of thing. Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if Dion snaps and takes a smack at him.

So, never mind democracy, tune in for the promise of bloodshed, and maybe if we're lucky, a knockout punch. And remember traditionally, in Canada, the real campaign begins on debate night. So from here on in, anything is possible. And for the first time in a long time, thankfully, nobody can say may the best man win.

Competitive Strategies for the Protection of Intellectual Property (Paperback) by The Fraser Institute, edited by Owen Lippert.

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